How Do We Handle Our Kids' Big Emotions?

Our church recently gave a talk on parenting. At first I wondered, how could they possibly cover parenting in one thirty-minute sermon? There are entire books, and lots of books, written on the subject. And really, is anyone an expert on such a complex and complicated topic? Of course not, not even the wise leaders of the church have all the answers. But the leader who gave this talk made one point that has really stuck with me and is a small thing making a big difference in my parenting. 

Our four kids are 13, 14 (almost), 15, and 16, and let me tell you, the emotions fly high in our house! They have BIG opinions, BIG emotions, and BIG reactions. Often the behaviors resemble those of 3, 4, 5, and 6 year olds, thanks to the reorganization of the brain during adolescence and the late-to-develop prefrontal cortex (the thinking and logical part of the brain). Their brains do not fully develop until their mid to late 20s! Buckle up, parents! 

So, yes, my kids have big emotions, and I know yours do too. It’s part of who they are at any developmental stage, and there is nothing ‘wrong’ with our kids when they have big emotions. We are all created to have emotions, and we are all meant to feel our emotions. 

But somewhere we got the message that our feelings need to be “fixed”, that there is something wrong with us when we cry or feel mad. And we try to “fix” our kids’ emotions too. I know I’ve been guilty of that so many times. When my kids come to me sad or upset, I immediately want to tell them how to make the feeling go away…because their big feelings make me feel uncomfortable. 

I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t often work for me, especially with teenagers. Usually telling them what they should do to stop feeling the way that they do upsets them even more. How often do you hear these words come from your child’s mouth? “You don’t understand.” “You’re not even listening to me.” “You don’t care how I’m feeling.” "Just nevermind." Yep, me too.

They don’t want to be fixed. And, by the way, neither do our friends, co-workers, or other family members. When someone is having a big feeling, they don’t want someone to tell them what to do to stop feeling that way. They’re deep in the emotional experience and need support moving through it. 

So how do we handle our kids’ big emotions?

We ask them.

We ask them what kind of support they need in that moment, rather than assuming that we know what they need.

And because they’re in the middle of big emotions and not thinking clearly, we give them choices.

Do you want to be HEARD? 

Do you want HELP? 

Do you need a HUG?

Heard? Help? Hug? So simple, yet so powerful. And it works for kids of all ages, and I’d argue it even works with adults.

When my 16-year old comes home from high school, she dumps out everything she felt and experienced throughout her entire day. After holding it in all day, she needs to let it all out. (Hello, extroverts!) I’ve learned by getting it wrong so many times, that what she needs most of the time is for me just to listen, not to tell her what she should have done or how she could have handled things differently. Not every moment needs to be a learning opportunity.

By listening we can create more moments of connection.

Do you want to be heard? Do you need my help? Or do you want a hug?

As parents, we love to give advice to our children because, of course, we know better than they do. We jump in to solve their problems and help them avoid making mistakes or facing disappointment. We want them to learn from our mistakes. And of course we have the best intentions in doing so.

But, what would it be like to first ask if they want help? Maybe they don’t. Maybe they just need to talk it through, and by listening we give them the opportunity to find their own answers. How empowering! And what a relief for us that we don’t have to have the answers! Sometimes they’re more capable than we know. 

Do you want to be heard? Do you need my help? Or do you want a hug?

And other times, they do want our advice or help solving a problem. They may be struggling with school, a homework assignment, or a friendship and need help figuring out what to do. But I've found that unsolicited advice or jumping in to fix things usually doesn't get very far, as good as my intentions may be. It often comes across as a lecture or criticism if I jump right in and tell them what I think or what to do.

Asking, do you want my help? gives them the opportunity to think about what they do need and empowers them to ask for it. If they say yes, we may ask What kind of help would you like? or How can I help? They often have the answers they need inside of them, and instead of assuming we know best or can solve it for them, we can help them find their own answers.

Offering our help and supporting them in finding the answers they need builds connection.

Do you want to be heard? Do you need my help? Or do you want a hug?

It is so hard for me to watch my girls cry (and as pubescent teenagers that happens a lot!). My natural instinct is to want to fix things for them, to make them feel better. But I’ve learned that crying is actually good for them. Crying helps reduce stress, calms the nervous system, and actually releases feel-good hormones. Don’t you just feel better after a good cry? I sure do.

Instead of trying to “fix” their sadness, most often they just need a hug. They need to be held and comforted and given a safe space to feel their feelings. They need to know that it’s okay to let it all out, that their feelings are normal, and there is nothing wrong with them. (So often at ‘that time of the month’ they don’t even know why they’re crying!) Let them cry, they’ll be okay. Just ask if they need a hug.

Being present for them and holding space for them to feel their feelings builds connectcion.

Do you want to be heard? Do you need my help? Or do you want a hug?

My kids got to hear the talk at church too, and afterward they said this part was so good. They confirmed that they just want to be asked what they need when they come to me. Most of the time, they really just need just one of those three things, not for me to jump in and fix things for them. And since they’re old enough, I encouraged them to take the lead and tell me what they need when they come to me. 

Mom, I just need you to listen. Mom, I need your advice. Mom, I could really use a hug.

What a wonderful opportunity for connection this creates when I know exactly how to show up for them, rather than assuming I know best.

And isn’t connection what we all really crave in our relationships?

Next time your child is having big emotions (or anyone else), try asking these three simple questions, and see if it doesn’t create greater connection in your relationships. 

Do you want to be heard? Do you need my help? Or do you want a hug?