ABOUT STEPHANIE
Who Am I?
Who I am today is nothing like who I was up until about ten years ago. For most of my life I didn’t know who I was…or whose I was.
I kept myself hidden and small, trying to be who everyone else wanted me to be. I thought that if I could make other people happy, then maybe they would love me the way I wanted to be loved.
I made some regrettable decisions along the way, trying to find my worth in people, things, my appearance, accomplishments, and relationships. I thought if I could say or do the “right” things I could earn love and feel like enough. I had unhealthy relationships, including a failed marriage to an alcoholic. I fell into people-pleasing habits, allowing unacceptable behavior, trying to keep the peace in my home and hold it all together.
But none of these things filled that emptiness inside of me or brought me the love and peace I so deeply craved. I pretended likeI was okay on the outside, while I was falling apart on the inside.
Sometimes the hardest thing we go through is just the thing we need to make a change.
Hitting Bottom
After alcoholism tore my family apart and stripped away everything I thought was important - my marriage, my home, our finances, my role as a wife and mother, my security, the secrets I had kept to protect our family - I was lost and in despair. I had tried so hard to make everything work, sacrificed so much of myself, tried to control everything, and still I lost it all.
That’s when I hit my bottom and knew I desperately needed help.
I was powerless over my life and needed a power greater than myself to restore my sanity.
During the darkest time in my life, I thought God had turned his back on me, that he was ashamed of the choices I had made and the mess my life had become. So I grabbed hold of the steering wheel and tried to take control of my life and do it without him.
But it turns out that I was the one who had turned my back on him. He was there all along, waiting patiently for me to come to him and ask for help.
I struggled to understand why he would allow so many devastating things to happen in my life. It took me a while to realize that he tore down the broken pieces of my life so that he could rebuild my life the way he created it to be.
My Path to Healing
My path to healing was not a straight or easy one, and it rarely ever is. But God new exactly what I needed and I trusted him to lead me along the way because his path is always better than mine.
After finding a new church and starting a recovery program, my life began to transform. I found a community of support, unconditional love, and total acceptance.
What a relief that I didn’t have to hide what was going on or pretend that I was okay anymore!
I heard that God wanted me to bring my pain and suffering to him.
I could lay down my mess in the hands of a loving father who promised to walk alongside me and even carry me when I was too tired to bear the burden anymore.
Through my recovery work, I started to see all the unhealthy patterns in my life that kept me stuck - stuffing my feelings, making myself small and quiet, putting others’ needs before my own, pretending I was okay, trying to control people and situations, believing I could change my life on my own.
I learned that I was powerless over other people and circumstances and that I couldn’t change anyone else.
Expecting others to change and trying to control them had only led to bitterness, resentment, and loneliness. God is available to anyone who wants to change, and that’s his job, not mine.
I also learned that I can’t make anyone love me; I had to first learn to love myself so that others could love the real me, not who I pretended to be. And I had to allow God’s amazing grace, love, and forgiveness into my heart.
I started allowing myself to feel my feelings, even the uncomfortable ones that come with grieving, not to numb or stuff them. These feelings have something to teach me if I just listen. I have learned to have compassion for the wounded parts of me that still show up when I don’t feel safe and how to care for those parts myself instead of expecting others to take care of me.
Most importantly, I learned that I’m not in control of my life. I may think I want things to be a certain way, but God is ultimately in control. He has plans for me that are far better than anything I can dream of for myself. My job is to pray for his guidance, listen to what he calls me to do, and choose to follow his path.
And what a relief that I don’t have to have everything figured out or know what’s best for me! Because he does.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope."
-Jeremiah 29:11
He loves me and wants good for me more than I ever allowed myself to believe.
But I have to take my hands off the steering wheel, and that’s hard to do. He won’t take the wheel from me; I have to make a conscious decision every day to turn my life over to him.
Restoring the Broken Parts
My life is completely different now than it was ten years ago. God has been restoring the broken pieces of my life.
He didn’t restore my marriage or heal my husband’s addiction like I so desperately prayed. His answer was, “Follow me and I will lead you to peace.” I clung to that message every time I wanted to take back control.
God loves us so much and wants good for us, which I came to accept included leaving an unsafe marriage. He walked me through
a difficult divorce, ten years of solo parenting, the death of my ex-husband and father of my children, numerous moves with my children, financial struggles, and health challenges.
Recently he brought a wonderful, godly man into my life. We met in the rows of our church where we both have been attending for years, healing from our brokenness. Neither of us were looking for a relationship, but God knew we were ready. We got married a year later and now have a blended family with four teenagers (a whole new set of challenges!). God is restoring our broken families and creating a beautiful new one with all its messiness.
God has also led me through a much-needed career change. After 18 years of being a devoted (and exhausted) teacher, I have resigned from teaching to do the work God is calling me to do. I prayed for a way out for years after reaching burnout, and finally he told me it’s time.
I get to use what God has done in my life to serve others and walk alongside them on their journeys, and that is such a gift.
God loves us and meets us in the middle of our brokenness. We don’t have to clean ourselves up or have things figured out because he will do that for us.
He loves us and has a plan for us that is far greater than we could ever imagine...if we just surrender our lives and our wills over to him.
And God has a plan for you. A beautiful plan. It won't be easy because he doesn't promise a trouble-free life, but he does promise to will use it for good.